Borderline, Self-Examination and the Courage to See

• “I’ve done so many things already.”
• “It doesn’t really change how I feel.”
• “There are days when I just want to be alone.”

Healing does not begin with understanding, forgiving or explaining. Healing begins with looking back on life. It means stopping trying to fix yourself and starting to see what was missing or not given. Not to dwell on it, but to let go. To bring it into the light and take action.

It is not about the question:

“Why am I like this?“

But about the question:

“Who did I have to become in order to survive?”

 

Self-examination

Without understanding our mothers, it is difficult to understand ourselves. In this blog, I invite you to explore this topic with the help of the book: Understanding the Borderline Mother. Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship, written by Christine Ann Lawson.

It is not about diagnosis, labels or blame. Nor is it about bad mothers. It is about children who grew up without a secure foundation, without emotional security, and who later do not understand why their lives feel so difficult. It is about who you became when no one could carry the burden for you. The author emphasises that the book is written for the child. 

A mother who sees herself through the eyes of her children may find the motivation to seek treatment. Not everyone will be enthusiastic about the content of the book. Some will need time to process the content because it reminds them of the pain. However, if you are willing to read the book, you will see that you can see the present more clearly and that you can create a brighter future for our children.

The borderline mother

Children always adapt in order to maintain their relationship with their mother. Not because it is healthy, but because they depend on it for their survival.

The borderline mother lives in a world of unstable relationships, a shaky self-image, intense emotions and clear impulsiveness. When rejected or abandoned, her emotional state can tend towards psychosis or neurosis. For the child of a borderline mother, this means that the world is chaotic and contradictory. They grow up in an emotional world that is unpredictable, confusing and dangerous.

For children under the age of three, it is impossible to see the difference between what they believe and what their mother believes. They do not understand that their mother may feel one emotion but show another. Or that hostility can be hidden behind a smile.

Adult children of borderline mothers often seek therapy because they do not understand themselves. They feel fragmented, depressed and confused, because it seems impossible to understand their mother. Without guidance, the intense, unpredictable and explosive relationship can be devastating and sometimes life-threatening for both child and mother. Some experience their childhood as an emotional prison.

Borderland

A world in which loving mothers turn into fairy-tale characters: the helpless victim, the fearful recluse, the domineering queen and the vengeful witch. Any distance feels like betrayal to the mother. Because of this fear, the borderline mother and her children live in a constant state of survival. 

Children do not know what to expect from their mother, they do not trust her, she can explode out of nowhere, they cannot stand her or she drives them ‘crazy’. When they confront their mother, she can say that it did not happen. Others think she is ‘wonderful’. Children of borderline mothers experience feelings of shame, guilt, fear and anger.

All borderline mothers share the same inner states: fear, helplessness, emptiness and anger. One state predominates and determines the character. The others are also present and come to the fore during times of stress.

A mother may display characteristics of multiple types. These are not labels, but survival patterns. The author of the book uses fairy tales as experienced by the child.

Cinderella: The Helpless / The Waif-mother

The Waif sees herself as a victim. Her behaviour evokes pity, care and protection. She can keep up appearances for a short time, but inside she feels empty and worthless. As a child, she was the victim of abuse, neglect or emotional humiliation. Others feel that they must care for and rescue her. Children learn that they must keep her going.  

She teaches her children, “Life is too hard.”

Snow White: The Withdrawn One / The Hermit-mother

The Hermit lives in fear. She resembles a frightened child hiding from the world. She is vigilant, suspicious and constantly alert to danger. She does not dare to let go, because she was once deeply hurt by someone she trusted. Closeness feels threatening. Distance feels necessary. Sometimes she is superstitious or extremely controlling when it comes to safety. Others experience her concern, protection and caution. Her children learn that contact is unsafe. 

She teaches her children: “Life is dangerous.”

The Queen: The Queen-mother

The Queen is driven by emptiness. She is demanding, dominant and sometimes flamboyant or intimidating. She feels deprived and expects obedience, admiration and loyalty. She can be vengeful and greedy when her needs are not met. Her children are an extension of herself and do not exist as independent individuals. Others feel that they must adapt and submit. The child learns that its own needs are threatening. 

She teaches her children: “Life revolves around me.”

The Witch: The Witch-mother

The Witch is driven by anger. This is the darkest core: intense self-hatred, paranoia and the feeling of being fundamentally bad. She experiences herself as evil and projects this onto her children. Her behaviour evokes fear. She may single out one child as the target of her anger. This child bears what she herself cannot bear. She evokes fear, paralysis and submission. Her children learn that love is life-threatening. 

She teaches her children: “Life is war.”

The Witch can hide in any of the other types and temporarily emerge as an ego state. The Medean mother is the most pathological and rare form of the Witch. She sees the child not only as an enemy, but as something that must be destroyed. Her anger is not corrective, not impulsive, but existential. In extreme cases, she can put her children in emotional and physical danger and act on the conviction that this is justified.

Fairy tales really do exist

What the child experiences is not theory, but daily reality.

The key question is not:

“What type was my mother?

But:

“What did I have to become in order to survive in her world?” 

De world of:

·      The withdrawn mother

·      The introverted mother

·      The efficient but unloving mother

·      The cruel and persecuting mother

·      The anxious, overprotective mother

·      The strict, controlling mother

·      The domineering and intrusive mother

·      The seductive and castrating mother

·      The strict moralistic, prudish and guilt-inducing mother

·      The mother who tyrannised through illness (more often feigned than real)

·      The torturing mother   

·      The schizophrenic mother

·      The mother who commits suicide

·      The mother who does not free the child from symbiosis

·      The mother who exploits a child to satisfy her own conscious and unconscious needs

·      The mother who makes the child a scapegoat or drives them to crime

·      The mother who fluctuates between hostility and remorse

In the Light

Although childhood trauma and loss cannot always be prevented, their psychological consequences can be greatly reduced when children are given the space to fully express their grief, anger and fear. When overwhelming emotions are mirrored, believed and calmed. When children are held emotionally. 

An ideal mother is not perfect, but emotionally honest. She can accept her children’s true feelings because she has faced her own feelings. In contrast, there are the pretend mothers, who deny reality and project their unprocessed feelings onto their children.

Borderline mothers are not bad. Their harmful behaviour stems from the subconscious and an unhealed void that is passed down from generation to generation. Without intervention, this legacy of fear, anger and helplessness will continue to exist.

Break the silence

Abuse often takes place openly, but few dare to intervene. Change or healing begins when someone has the courage to believe in another person, to say:

“I believe in you.”

This belief forms the basis of a healthy self-image and mental health.

Let this be a call to us, mothers with life experience, mothers who are on the barricades. If these words resonate with your own history or what you see happening around you, it is no coincidence. It calls for action, for the courage to examine what needs to be seen and what needs to be healed. 

It can be a first step towards awareness, support or guidance. For example, in a family constellation where hidden patterns become visible. Because by looking, feeling and acting, we can make a difference for this generation and the next.